Category Archives: Blogs

Curiosity Doesn’t Kill – It Opens

Our souls are tethered to our bodies only for a short time.

We do not have anywhere near enough time on this earth to do all the things we want and need to do.

Whilst you are still alive, you deserve to honour yourself: your needs, your wishes, and your deepest desires.


This is the one thing I want you to know.  I even stuck it on my About page, it’s that important.

But how do we honour ourselves and fulfil our needs, wishes and desires in this lifetime?

I’ll cut to the chase:

You honour yourself when you find meaning in your life.

The purpose of your Soul is to find meaning in your life.

The purpose of your Body is to hold that meaning and find ways for your soul to express it.

You can only do this when you feel that your Body and Soul are in harmony with each other and you feel whole.

Please note that I say “when you FEEL” the harmony between the two – because the difficult part of all this is that it’s subjective, individual and very personal to you. What will align one person won’t do a thing for another, and will be laughed at on YouTube by someone else.

Some people feel most whole when they dance – others have two left feet.

Some people feel most whole playing musical instruments or listening to music.

Some people feel most whole when making love.

Some people feel most whole riding motorbikes. How do you find meaning and find ways to express it?

You have to get curious and explore.

You Have To Let Your Curiosity Unfurl.

I created a free e-course for you to learn the skill of Curiosity.  Because it is a skill – no different to cooking or riding a bicycle.

Let Your Curiosity Unfurl shows you how to develop and use Curiosity as a skill to start to understand yourself and your place in the world.

Because with understanding?  Comes real options to become the life you want to be.

Stop feeling stuck.  Stop the greyness in your life.

Get Curious.

Your fellow Seeker,




Get learnings, love and wholesomeness on and off your plate. Begin with a 4-part journey into Curiosity and weekly Letters From The Kitchen Table:

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Why Being “Good” Isn’t Enough

Being “good” isn’t enough.

No matter how “good” you are, how hard you work, how slavishly  devotedly you stick to your diet, how often and thoroughly you exercise, how easily you conform to the norms or what is acceptable…

…you realise that it’s not enough.

It’s not enough because you’ve given it your all to reach one social goal, only to realise that there is another social goal to hit immediately afterwards, and all your efforts from before mean nothing in relation to this new goal that everyone’s suddenly holding you accountable to.

Maybe you worked your way down to a size 12, or whatever your target size was, and you bought the outfits to go with your new figure, and you go out on the town to have a great time.  Then some guys or girls will come up to you and chat you up – you’re fabulous, of course they would! – but then one wrong word or action, and they’ll lash out at you and leave you in the dirt.

That was the story of my latter teen and university years.  Even if you ticked some of the boxes of “social acceptance” – slim enough, dressed well, out on the town – the next box of “social acceptance” is, as a woman at least, likely as a man too: to find a boyfriend or girlfriend (*gulp*)

And to do that?  Women are told to be submissive to everyone else around you; be quiet; eradicate the word “no” from your dictionary; swallow any opinions that you have, and – of course – make it all look effortless.

Well, ain’t that a kick in the head.

At the flick of demonstrating your real self through the cracks of your makeup and new figure, you are shunned, feeling hated by everyone – because it takes more balls than you can muster to be called a bitch and to not give a shit.

All your effort, for nowt.


Helplessness – it’s out of your control.

Everything that you had been taught about how love and life should be is proven wrong.

“But I ticked all the boxes!  I did everything I was supposed to!  Why didn’t it work?”

Where’s the meaning in any of the things we do?  It’s completely irrational, and unfair.

There is no justice.

Parker Palmer talks about something he calls “The Gap” in his work.

The Gap is the gap between how you think life should be and how YOU should be, vs. how you actually are and act.

When you see the gaping chasm between how you really are, and how you believe you should be?

That makes you feel powerless, because there’s nothing you can do to make The Gap smaller.

How do you recover from this?

You have to destroy what you think you must be

in order to become who you really are.

Destroy all that you think you must be

and you destroy The Gap that causes all your pain.

…that’s scary.

What if all you’ve known is the struggle and The Gap?

“If I destroy all I’ve ever known…I’ll have nothing left.”

What is gained from that?





…All the things you’ll need to begin the life you always wanted.


There is solace in Freedom, not just joy and opportunities.



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On Being A Stubborn Ass

I’ve been pretty darn ill for the past several weeks with a bladder infection that left me bedridden for 10 days.  Probably didn’t help that I was given the wrong antibiotics to begin with either, although I’m just finishing up the right ones now and I feel much better.

Whilst lying in bed, with a pillow between my knees, a hot water bottle at my feet, and anything and everything on Netflix to distract my mind from the hot and stabbing pains, I did however learn several important lessons that I want to share with you:

1 – I am a stubborn ass.  Really, really stubborn. 

I’m a terrible patient.  I find it hard to really rest and be idle, even though I’ve been shown before how necessary it is to incorporate some idleness (is that a word?  Meh, it is now) into my life.  Whilst I’d normally say that this is a lesson I’ll have to keep relearning, I think it’s about time I actually did more to bring this into my life.

And I can’t be the only one who has this issue with idling.  There are loads of articles out there telling us to stop using busy-ness as a social status except that, certainly for me, it’s not a social status to be busy.  For me, being idle means that I’m not working on bringing my dreams to life, and the sooner I can bring my dreams to life, the sooner I can make some of the big changes in my life I’m wanting to make.  Being idle, therefore, becomes my barrier to fulfilling my dreams.

But the barrier isn’t idleness right now – it’s illness, which requires genuine rest and humility, and the willingness to ask for help when you really need it.  Which brings me to my next lesson:

2 – There are few things more humbling than when you’re forced to surrender to what you need instead of grasping and clinging on hard to what you want.

I want my goals and dreams badly.  I love working towards them, and I want to work towards them all the damn time.

That’s what I want.

It’s not what I need though, when I’m doubled over and controlling my breathing in the hope that it’ll make the stabbing pain stop.  Which brings me to another important lesson:

3 – You can’t always get what you want, but you can (usually) get what you need. 

‘Nuff said on that point.

4 – Never, ever, ever underestimate the glories of being able to wear any knickers you want. 

When you’re unable to wear knickers (too uncomfortable, they pressed on my bladder), or even go au natural (had to focus too hard through the pain to, um, prevent accidents…that’s not comfortable either, that’s even worse than pressure on the bladder!), you’re pretty much going to have to wear incontinence knickers.  Whilst I praise them for their wonderful comfort and in being my “safety net”, I’m also very happy to now be back comfortably in my knickers and not need to wear the salvation knickers again any time soon.

*Touch wood*

5 – Notice the signs.

You can’t predict when you’re going to be struck down with illness, but you can become more aware of indications that you’re heading for some kind of a fall.

I was doing everything that I thought I could to look after myself except give myself the one thing that I needed the most but really didn’t want – complete rest once a week or fortnight.  Dropping everything.  Even the stuff I desperately want to do and bring into my life.

Wanna get a bit woo on this?  Every day I spend literally 1 minute picking out a Deva Card to give me a little something to think about and watch out for in my day.  For an entire week leading up to this, I picked out “Mercy”.  Every day for a week.

An interesting coincidence, certainly.  I don’t wholly subscribe to the whole “signs from the universe/angels” thing, that idea is there to bring comfort to us that coincidences are orchestrated from a “higher power beyond us mortals” to “put you on your right path”.  But I do appreciate being pointed to qualities, musing on it and its meaning, and then keeping it in mind if I happen to need it soon after seeing or thinking about it.  I have found that it has paid off to have this little ritual just enough times for it to be worthwhile (plus I can happily muse for hours on thoughts, theories and philosophies!).  And by “paid off” I mean it’s given me a fall-back plan or helped cut the chase to resolve issues on the fly.

Like this time, seeing “Mercy” for a week: reminded me to have mercy on myself and just give in when I really needed to (after fighting it and having a few tantrums along the way!).  It reminded me to stop punishing myself – because even if I wanted to do stuff, doing so would come at a price that was getting too much to bear.  I got up one morning a week ago and spent 20 minutes cooking breakfast for all of us, it’s one of my favourite activities.  Afterwards I was in agony for 6 hours, desperately trying to calm my undercarriage down.

“Mercy”: stay in bed and ask for help.  And then ask for more help.  Even if I hate it.  Even if I’m a stubborn ass.

Even if it makes me feel so worthless and useless to do so.

“Well, then that makes you my extra pet for a week,” my other half said to me.  He believes that all pets are useless, although they’re nice to have around as extra fluffy company.  I laughed and cried and told him how much I loved him for making me laugh through the pain.

Take heed of the signs and dare yourself to fall back.

^^ that’s a little love note to me too.

I am on the mend now, thankfully.  I hope you are all well and that you take a little time out soon to rest up, whether you think you need it or not.




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Are you hungry?

What for?


Is it a physical hunger – a bodily cry for nutrients and energy to keep going?  What does that feel like for you normally?

Or is it a different hunger masquerading as physical hunger?

On the one hand, it sounds like an easy distinction to make – physical vs. emotional and/or spiritual hunger, it’s gotta be obvious, right?

On the other hand…an emptiness that demands fillling, comfort, warmth, anything to take away the panging pains – is there a difference between these hungers?

The thing is that emotional and/or spiritual hunger can give out physical symptoms of hunger too – just to make things really confusing.

And the most difficult part is that it often feels like there are no words for it either.

You feel it – physically, and possibly emotionally and spiritually – but nothing seems to ease it.

You eat well – maybe better than usual, and it eases the physical hunger, maybe even to the point of bursting.  But it’s not enough.

Some of the magazines and health blogs will tell you that you are mistaking hunger for thirst.  But even when you drink those 8 big glasses of water a day, it’s not working.

Other magazines and health blogs will say that you’re not getting enough sleep, and that’s what’s making you reach for the biscuit tin in the afternoon.  Except that, even if you get your 7-8 hours a night, it doesn’t stop.

You might even be in generally good health physically – nothing is wrong.

Except that it really is.

This is when your hunger is not just a physical hunger: it’s emotional and/or spiritual hunger.

There are so many different words that could describe it:

Hunger.  Emptiness.  Wordless longing.  Soul cry.  Undisclosed desires.  Hidden truths.  Disconnection from your deeper self, or soul.  Going through the motions…
…and feeling nothing.


For me, this is limbo – that awkward in-between place that I can’t always put my finger on.
That emptiness, when it is there, stops me experiencing meaning and joy threaded into everything that I do.  It becomes difficult to infuse the usually easy enthusiasm, deliberateness, and love into the things I do.

That sounds kinda dramatic, doesn’t it?

I’m quite sure that it sounds ridiculous to hear people like me implying:

“Everything I do, I do it with sweeping love and graciousness, and life is cotton candy and rose-tinted, and my home is clean and tidy and somewhat minimalist, and I work out 5 times a week and floss my teeth…<enter any other sickeningly saccharine, perfectionism-inducing images here>…”

BIG HINT: My life is nowhere near like that, and that’s not what I mean when I talk about joy and meaning in everything I do.

What I really mean is that – you know really well that feeling of going through the motions and not emotionally feeling anything?  When I talk about joy and meaning in everything I do, I mean the very opposite of going through the motions.  It’s the sudden death of feeling woven into an interconnected web of life and energy – of feeling the ripples that actions I take have in the world around me.

Because the thing is, that gently easy joy is one of those things that you don’t notice until it’s gone, and you probably only notice it’s gone when you start noticing that you’re behaving differently to what you usually do, or when you start to notice that hunger, emptiness, and meaninglessness.

And that hunger can be scary.  It doesn’t go away no matter what you eat or do.  It feels like you have reverted back to your toddler self, inwardly crying when you don’t know what’s wrong and can’t sooth yourself, can’t make it right.

I can only imagine that it’s even more painful when you experience this whilst caring for an actual crying toddler who won’t calm down.

It doesn’t go away because you’re not giving yourself the right “food” to satiate your hunger.
Because sometimes?  You don’t actually need food food – you actually need something else.

You could be feeling:

A desire for life to be simpler, for less responsibilities, a return to Innocence…even though underneath it all, you know you can’t go back
Fear.  Worry.  Anxiety.  Dread…and wanting safety
Boredom and stagnation
Restlessness with your current circumstances

You could be craving:

Something, ANYTHING to fill that void
Connection with another person

And you’re trying to satisfy your cravings in the hope that it will change your feelings – maybe one of those feelings above.

Yet, everything you know that would help just isn’t working.

It’s not working because the “food” isn’t right.

You need to seek.





The inside of a seed must be one of the most private places in the world.

The inside of a seed must also be one of the most exciting and terrifying places to be.

Because a seed is never meant to remain a seed – seeds that remain seeds exhaust their supply of energy within and die.  It needs to break through its shell so that it can grow.

It’s exciting to look forward to the journey of becoming a seedling, and then a sprout, and to eventually grow into a young plant.

It’s equally terrifying to crack open the shell, because everything that you have known is going to disappear and bring in piercingly painful light, and you can’t piece the shell back together and go back to being a seed afterwards.  And yet, the alternative – entropy, and eventual death – aren’t great options either: they can’t be denied.

Seedlings seek the sun above and water and nutrients in the soil below to grow.

People also need to seek the right things needed to grow.

Food can only go so far.

What do you need after food?




Of the world around you, outside your shell.

Of yourself, and the vast world inside you.

Hunger, beyond physical hunger?

Is your call to start your journey.

Honour that call.

Break the shell, and satiate your hunger.





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Courage is not the same as Brave.

Courage is derived from the Latin word “coeur”, which means “heart”, and the original use of the word was “to tell the story from your heart”.  Thank Dr. Brene Brown for clearing this up.

Bravery is often treated the same way as Courage and tends to be listed as synonymous in the dictionary.  It is derived from “Bravo” – we shower praise when it is seen and demonstrated.  It is about having the discipline to do what needs to be done, boldly.

Bravery is definitely a required element of  Courage – you need a hint of bravery in order to tell the story from your heart: to tell your own truth.

Because it’s so easy to lie, deny, and sometimes deceive yourself and everyone around you – you do it in a misguided attempt to protect yourself, or you believe that it will protect someone else.

One way or another, you believe that the truth – your truth – will cause more harm than good.  You don’t want to make waves.  You don’t want to rock the boat.  You want to fit in.  You want to belong to something, or someone.  You don’t want your world to unravel or potentially fall apart.  You don’t even want to admit things to yourself, because you don’t trust yourself to be able to keep your truth hidden.

I’ve been there more times than you’d think.  I’ve suffered my entire life from “good girl syndrome” – that cringing thing where you would do anything and everything to be a “good girl”, and therefore loved and cared for or with by your caretakers or by the rest of the people in your life.

The consequences of not being seen as a “good girl” felt life-threatening, even if they arguably weren’t: threatened abandonment, withdrawal of love and affections, withdrawal of attention…loneliness…losing all the prominent people in my life and having to start again, when it felt so darn hard to get there the first time around.

So I would hide all of this away, keep everyone in the dark.

The thing is, ignorance is bliss…

…right up until the point where it really isn’t bliss any more.

Your behaviours to keep everyone else ignorant of your truths make you physically ill.  Your undisclosed truths eat at your heart and mind and sit in your stomach – tension, fear and striving, condensed into a dense pearl of pain that won’t go away.  Its presence puts you on edge because you feel constantly nervous, and it starts to affect your digestion.

But no matter how much Gaviscon you take to sooth your stomach, or painkillers to numb the pain, it doesn’t ease up, it doesn’t loosen up.

It’s a pearly fist that’s white-knuckling your stomach, and it’s got a hold on you.

So, maybe, you start eating just a little more to ease the pain – when you are hungry, it is excruciatingly painful, but if your stomach is digesting something, maybe a couple of bites of bread or toast, then for about 20-30 minutes, the pain goes away…and then the pain comes back with a vengeance, almost as if to make up for the time you didn’t have pain.

But then you reach a stage where you can’t eat any more, and the pain and anxiety doesn’t go away even if you did force it down.

So you stop eating just for a couple more hours than your normal eating patterns – if you can endure the pain for just a little while – maybe 2-3 hours – it calms down a bit.  But then maybe you start shivering from having low blood-sugar levels, and eventually BAM!  That painful hunger returns.

This is what used to happen to me on and off, every 6-10 months or so, since my mid-teens and right up until the beginning of 2014.  It still comes back when I go through trauma, like the perfect storm last year of my friend dying, losing the chance to take over my parents’ business, and having a hard time in the day job.  Just some potential physical effects you can get from sustained anxiety.

The thing is, even if I’ve always had a great relationship with food, like with all relationships, it does go off-kilter when something else throws it off, like anxiety, health issues, stress, or trauma.  It is, after all, a relationship that is interconnected with all the other relationships in life – health, love, work, “stuff”, creativity and so on.

When you treat your eating decisions and habits, your views on food and choices on whether you cook or not – when you treat all these things as if they were part of a relationship to be nurtured: it makes you more aware of when things are going wrong, and it begins to open up options for you to make it right.

Sure, that doesn’t mean there will always be an easy answer that’ll make everything better immediately, but as long as there are options (and it’s rare that there truly aren’t any options), there is the possibility for Hope.

But, as with all relationships – they can only flourish when you have open communication as to what’s going on, what’s going wrong.

Honesty with yourself.

Courage…for yourself.

Let me propose something controversial:

The only person in this life you ever have to be 100% honest with, and to always tell the truth to, no matter what…

…is you.

Everyone and everything else?  Honesty is the best policy, for sure…but the decision is ultimately yours.

When you are open and honest with yourself, when you are courageous with yourself?

You can finally see what is wrong.

And when you can see what is wrong, you suddenly have options – pathways open up.  Ah, the Freedom that having choices brings!  And you have a decision to make:

Which pathway do I choose to go down?  Do I try to make it right, or shall I continue living with this issue?

Have the Courage to make your choice – make your choices from your heart.

Have the Courage to then follow through with your choice – set goals, create pathways to those goals.

Have the Courage to walk those pathways, and the discipline to stay true to them.

Because the thing to understand?

Is Courage sets you on your path Home.




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When we were born, there were a few things we inherently understood:

We are here

We are alive

We trust our providers to care for us and help us grow

We trust our bodies

We are Home

We Belong

We trust the world around us

…because we hadn’t been taught yet how or why to distrust the world.

We had Trust, we had Faith – in all the things outside of us, bigger than us.


For some, the illusion of safety is shattered sooner than later.  For some more, safety never seems to leave them.

But when it does leave, it feels catastrophic.

We can only remain innocent for so long – to continue in the face of evidence to the contrary is self-denial: your new safety net.

Your denial is the safety net stops you from falling into despair at your own powerlessness in the face of difficulty – because the thought of experiencing your own powerlessness against the tides is too frightening.

To be vulnerable is too frightening.  Lonely.  Small.

Especially in this day, when vulnerability is harshly viewed and treated.

In fact, to be vulnerable is so frightening that it’s easier to blame ourselves than admit that:

  • Your parents were wrong – they’re only human
  • The media is wrong – they judge, criticise and entertain to bolster their bottom line
  • Beauty advertising is wrong – nobody can look like those perfect celebrities without great lighting and Photoshop…which in fact also means that those celebrities aren’t perfect, they don’t look like the pictures suggest they do
  • Health advertising is wrong – there is so much conflicting evidence out there about what is healthy for a person when, if anything, all evidence points to the specifics of each person’s health being as individual as their fingerprint
  • Society is wrong – because they’ve absorbed all of these stories and are parroting these stories to control you, to make you conform

And because of that, it’s easier to wage war against ourselves than against those behemoths – in our bodies, to our bodies, in our minds, on our plates…

It is easier to do all that than it is to Trust yourself.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

It doesn’t have to be you vs. yourself on behalf of all the things that the rest of the world finds “wrong” with you.

It doesn’t have to be you vs. the world.

It doesn’t even have to be we vs. the world, as we see so often in politics, religion, and Facebook memes: “I’m right, you’re wrong, SHUT UP!”

It is actually about you coming full circle.

In order to feel safe…ironically, you need to Trust.

Trust is given, not earned.

You have to trust yourself, your body, your knowledge and abilities first.

Above all else.

It sure helps to do what you can to make it as likely as possible for the best outcome to unfurl.

And then, you have to trust the people whose help you need to do their best by you.

Trust, ultimately, is a leap of faith to believe in the best outcome – even if there’s a chance the worst might happen.

That illusion of safety you lost?  Is regained – when you Trust.

I know it’s hard.  Heck, I still have plenty of issues with Trust:

I second-guess myself, even when I know the answer.  I go and check it out just that one last time.  It’s the fear of being tripped up, exposed and vulnerable.

I make assumptions about how the people in my life will react to the things I tell them.  It’s the fear of letting them down, or otherwise displeasing them with my truths.

I still regularly take the path of discretion over valour.  It’s the fear of being stopped in my paths and choices by other people talking.

How do I regain Trust?

Sometimes I can do what it takes to create a just enough safety netting for me to say, “Yes, OK – I’ll Trust”.  The key is to do JUST ENOUGH and to still actually take that leap and Trust…that everything will come out OK.

Sometimes, you have to Decide To Rise, as Danielle LaPorte has so beautifully put in her poem.

Sometimes, I just get so fed up of my own bullshit that I hit the F*** It button and, as I take that leap, whisper to myself “I love you”.

(I think we all need  F*** It button).

But when you do Trust again, you’ll be just a little wiser than the last time, just a little more discerning, and that much more capable of looking after yourself – if only you’d Trust yourself that this is so.





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How To Let Go

I’ve just finished delivering the last of 3 classes on The Power Of Hope, a set of classes I created to go with my upcoming Desire Map Workshops that I have been test-running for the past 6 weeks.

…and I feel a profound sense of loss.

It hasn’t been easy – I’m running these classes alongside a full time day job with an average 3 1/2-4 hour daily commute.  I’ve burnt out doing it.  And yet I feel as if I can’t live without doing this either.

I had heard about teachers who cry at the end of each academic year when they have to let their current cohort go after watching them grow over the year, after experiencing with them all the trials and tribulations of the year.  It didn’t occur to me that running workshops had the potential for a similar effect.

It’s the part of me that’s like a little innocent girl who wants to play forever.  She doesn’t want the fun to end.  Like when Nana would have to go home after visiting for several days when I was a child, and I would be overcome with this desperate desire for the fun, light and laughter never to end, and for life to return to grey.

And that’s the wonderful thing with these workshops – they’re great fun, and they bring out different things in different people who come into contact with them.

But now, this first round is coming to an end over the next week, and I feel impending grief coming.

There’s only one way out – I have to let go.

I have to let go of this first round of The Desire Map And The Power Of Hope, so that I can fall back, regroup, and plan the next one.

Letting go is something I stubbornly struggled with all my life.

I always have done.

“You’re telling me that the fun must end?  I don’t want it to end!

…I want to keep holding on.  I don’t want to move on.  Why does time have to move on?”

…Because time marches on, whether we want it to or not.

Holding onto something that is about to move on hurts. But if you cling onto it, it will move on into the past, and you are still stuck where you are.  And the further into the past it is, the more it hurts – because you are physically further away from that past the further time moves on.

Our bodies are in the present moment, but our minds can both wander into the past and can consider the possible futures.  But this disconnect can only be maintained for so long – staying in the past generates sadness the further away from it you become as time marches onwards with you in it; and as much as the further into the future you try to imagine, the more anxious you feel (because nobody can be entirely sure what the future holds).

The only way to come back to yourself – right now in the present – is to let go.


I used to believe that letting go was an act of weakness, like giving up.  Giving up was for wimps.  Giving up signalled failure on my part for not being faithful enough to the thing I was clinging onto.

I didn’t want to fail.  I didn’t want to be weak.  I wanted to prove that I was devout and faithful to those people, those ideas and things I was clinging onto.  Religiously clinging on.

So I would tighten my grip – white knuckle it if I had to.  And woe betide any wise soul who would try to persuade me to let go: I’d bite their heads off!  They didn’t understand what it meant to me, they didn’t understand why I was doing it – or at least, if they did, they never let it be known to me that they understood, otherwise I might’ve been a bit more polite about telling them to back off and leave me with my white knuckles.

Sometimes I would have such a tight grip for so long on a fragment of something that had meaning a long time ago, but I couldn’t remember anything else except holding on.  Old dreams.  False hopes.

But that’s no good for anyone – least of all myself, especially if I can’t even remember why I was holding on in the first place.

And yet the prospect of leting go…was always terrifying to me.

Because nobody showed me how.

Nobody showed me that they understood why I was clinging on – nobody asked why, and nobody asked what I actually wanted; because there were times I wanted to let go, but if you don’t know how, and you are alone in it…well, what else are you supposed to do but do what you know, and carry on clinging on?

Ultimately, I learnt how.

This is how I let go of things.

I took a cue from Danielle LaPorte in her talk at the Emerging Women conference:

“You can’t fight your way to inner peace.”

Likewise – you can’t let go of something that you’re white-knuckling onto.

If you had a ball in your hand that you didn’t want to let go of, you tighten your grip on it.

Trying to wrestle that ball off you when your grip is that tight?  You clamp down tighter on it so that it doesn’t move, it doesn’t go.  It’s agony, for everyone.

But if you just relax your grip…it becomes loose in your hand, and you can take that something away with much less pain.

However…you also need to WANT to let go – if not letting go of the goal, then at the very least letting go of the method you’re using to get to it.  If you don’t want to let go, then you’re not going to let go – you’ll find a way to tighten your grip again on it.  It’s that simple.

Even if it makes you ill.  Even if it could kill you.  Even “toxic”, “damaging” and “destructive” behaviours give the person doing it something that they’re clinging onto.  It won’t stop unless you want it to stop, unless you want another way.

And when you do want it to stop?  When you do want another way?

I’ve found that I need to completely and utterly relax into it – ease into it, lean into it, unclench that fist – so that it becomes easier for it to go.

When I had to let go of my friend at her funeral, who died from complications from cancer last year, I found that the only way to surrender was to physically tell myself to relax – or “to ease into myself”, since the word “relax” doesn’t have the desired effect on me – consciously, in every part of my body, including my stomach and heart.  And once I was completely physically relaxed, I wished her Freedom and Peace, and invited her to go.


The actual act of Surrender doesn’t hurt.  The grief afterwards hurts, and requires as much compassion, presence, patience and love as is needed to help you through, however long it takes.

I’m quite sure that, sometimes, it’s the fear of the pain from the grief or loss that will come from letting go that causes us to cling on more tightly.

But the actual act of Surrender doesn’t hurt, not when you have already released your grip on whatever you need to let go of – people, pets, precious objects, goals, dreams, hopes, desires…

And surrender is what I will have to do when my current run of The Desire Map Workshop finishes.  I will let it go, grieve the changes, and reflect on what has happened so that I can make it even better for the next round.

My little innocent girl will cry with the loss, but the thing that my little innocent girl forgets is that the next fun thing will come soon.  There will be more Desire Map Workshops in the future, and with that will bring more fun, excitement, joy, and deep purpose and fulfilment.

All the things I’ve been looking for all along.

Let the moment of Surrender come.

I am ready.




The Awkward Truth About Valentine’s Day

Ah.  Valentine’s Day.

< awkward groan >

Look, I could write a heartfelt, academic post about this, considering all the research I did into it all, but I’m not feeling it.

So instead, I’ll just write what is awkward and at my core.

Y’see, Love is one of my Core Desired Feelings.

Yes.  I know.

It’s not so much because I’m a romantic at heart (romcoms and chick lit are torture for me!), but rather because it is one of the most transformative feelings that I have.

It literally changes everything in my life – not just how I feel, but also how I act, and how I perceive my life and my world.

It allows me to sit here and be entirely who and what I am.  It’s an expanding feeling that lets me ease into my space to begin with.  It allows me to approach people and life like a blank sheet – no prejudices, no stories, no attachments, just entirely open to what is.

It’s a kind of Freedom.

But don’t get me wrong.

I can’t and don’t feel like this 24/7, because I am human after all.  I react to my surroundings – people, landscape, news, books…- and I have other Core Desired Feelings that I want to feel (like Hope, and Dynamic).

And seriously, I can only imagine how smug and rose-tinted this all sounds.

It’s really difficult for me to write about this.  It’s so much easier for me to write about all the research I’ve done, and keep what I’m really feeling and experiencing at the periphery, at a distance.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth about Valentine’s Day:

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To Change Something, Take The First Step

I picked a fight with my man one morning this week.

I was tired – it’s been a gruelling week in a lot of ways – commuting 4 hours a day to a day job with a couple of difficult cases and earlier-than-usual starts, continuing a test-run of my upcoming Desire Map Workshops, and it’s early February – ever since I was in highschool, February has been the month I just collapse, physically and emotionally, no matter how well things are going or how upbeat everything truly is.  The winter just drags me after a while, y’know!  (Although I seem to be faring better this year than previous years with it).

Anyway.  I’m not a morning person at the best of times – I unfortunately am a Dragon first thing in the morning, because there are things to be done!  A day to start!  Full speed ahead!  Green light!  GO!  And I rarely feel I can relax until at least some of the stuff that needs to be done is done, “front-loaded”.

And one attempt by him at being helpful just felt throwaway and pithy and uncaring, and I just snapped.

We talked it out afterwards – all the niggling things that have rubbed each other the wrong way for a while.  And all the solutions we came up with require more effort.


RAHRRR!  Dragon smouldering inside!  Indignation rising!

I have to give more?!  I’m working a day job and building a business on the side, working on my commutes, sometimes in my lunch hours, into my evenings, at my weekends and I have to give even more when it feels like nothing is left?!

…in order to fix whatever is wrong, yes.

Past the indignation, the grievances and pain, yes.

I somewhat begrudgingly have been humbled and reminded of a cardinal life rule that I first learned properly just over a year ago:

If you want something to change, you have to take the first step.  You can’t rely on other people to take that step for you.

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The Art of Discernment

We live in a judgmental world.

We live in a world where judgment is entertainment: X-Factor, The Voice, Jersey Shore, World’s <blankest> <blank>, Embarrassing Bodies…gossip magazines like Heat, Now, The Enquirer, Glamour Magazine…and of course, crack open any newspaper and the ink covered in commentaries and opinions far outnumber actual relays of facts, and the hysterical noise generated from them! Everyone wanting to put across their opinion of the situation and to spin their own stories…

…instead of just discerning the facts (or, at least, try to get as close to factual evidence as we can get to).

Discernment is not the same as Judgement.

When you look up their dictionary meanings of the two words:

Judgment: “to judge” is to make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively and wisely.

Discernment: “to discern” is to distinguish mentally; to perceive by the sight or some other sense or by the intellect; seen, recognise or apprehend.

To judge is to create an opinion, either your own or to borrow someone else’s, once you have gathered all the facts you’re willing to gather.

To discern is to see things for what they are, nothing more. No attaching of opinions, judgments, or stories. It’s one step back before you make a judgment, if you will.

Making a judgment marks the end of curiosity, until you actively start searching for more information.

Why does this matter?

Because judgments are ruining your life.

Judgments of other people around you, and judgments about yourself.

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